01 August 2022
Faulty Ignition
For those who also have trouble starting.
It’s Winter. It’s always hard to get up in Winter. It’s cold outside and warm in bed. And comfy. And cat. Cat is important.
I wake up at 4am, go back to sleep until 6, then awake again as my warm snuggle buddy leaves a cold spot as he gets ready to go to work.
As he leaves, I check my socials. Normally, I get stuck on TikTok and before I know it, it’s 9:30am, 10am, 10:30am.
Addiction to social media is a real thing, but it’s not just socials. I can put away the apps and check my calendar, but I can’t get up. Some mornings I’m not even tired. Just heavy. I have so much to do, but I can’t move.
I’ve set schedules, made to-do lists, had accountability buddies, but I wake up and I’m in a state of anxious fibrillation. My mind and body want to move. I have it in my alarms to get up, do yoga, make a juice, get dressed and start the day. But do I do it?
Nup.
Why?
I don’t fully know.
My to-do list feels like “bizzy” work. I’m not seeing results. I’m not getting positive feedback. I have people relying on me, but I’m not feeling any payoff. Socially, yeah. Sure. But my ever-present knot in my guts about finances, the state of my health, the state of my garden, the state of the world. It all weighs me down in the bed and dares me to try and move.
Thank goodness I don’t have kids yet. Although maybe that would move me. I’m not sure.
I realised the words for what I have is a faulty ignition. Every morning my “get up and go” engine stalls. TikTok definitely doesn’t help. I’ve got app blockers on my phone. I can’t post to the platforms and feed the algorithm its daily does of “hey I’m here too!” if they’re blocked though, so certain ones stay unblocked. They leech my dopamine and time though. It’s like owning a giant flea as a pet.
How do you fix a faulty ignition in a fairy/human?
I’m so worn down by fear that I think that would just freeze me up even more. The mornings I wake up anxious are my worst ones. I’ll run half an hour late to the first appointment of the day if I wake up anxious.
Tightening my focus may help. Once a quarter I’ll normally go through a phase where I decree, I’m off socials for good, but then they creep back in and the cycle repeats. I’ve been good away from Facebook, though, and the allure has ebbed. It doesn’t feed me the way TikTok does. Neither does YouTube. Pinterest and TikTok are my major leeches lately.
So is cleaning. Cleaning as a tool for procrastinating is fantastic. You accomplish something and the judgement of the world ebbs for a short while… until it creeps back in.
Is this adulting? Is this what growing up is like? I hate it.
How do you fix a faulty ignition in yourself?
Mel Robbins using the “5, 4, 3, 2, 1” method and just jumps up and does it. Some other people change their physical state. The problem with knowing the tricks is that you can eel your way out of doing them. They start to feel corny or like starting them is a whole different task.
What does ignition feel like in the first place?
A zap? A spark? A hot poker? A sparkle? A tickle? A surge?
For me it’s like a lightning bolt shooting around a little water balloon. If it hits something too hard it’ll splat and I’ll me out of juice for the day because I’ve poured all my energy into that one task. Like cleaning obscure dust in the house.
Lately the water balloon has just sat there. No lightning. Just static. Itchy, prickling static. It’s like it isn’t focused. As if it can’t coagulate into a cohesive bolt and fling that water balloon across the room. I definitely have water in the balloon. I want to do things, but without the bolt to pinball it around, it just sits there.
So, knowing my ignition comes in the form of a bolt and that it’s static at the moment, how do I ‘re-bolt’ it?
How do I pluck all that static out of the air and reform it?
Maybe that’s the problem. I’m thinking that I need to go out and pinch all those tiny electrons and put them in order. I’m acting like I’m the force that moves the universe. That’s simply not true. I don’t move things, things move me.
If I sit here and relax, that may be all I need to do to open the conduit for the bolt to reform. By simply being, I’m trusting the universe to take natural action and form the lightning bolt for me. Being in flow. Trusting.
That’s one of the most powerful things we can do.
I hate the word Surrender, because it means giving up, letting someone else win. Losing.
But when it is in regards to the universe, I don’t surrender to a tyrant. I surrender stress and anxiety. It’s like being through a bunch of toxic relationships and then coming to one that’s wonderful. You have to surrender your defences. It is safe to trust the universe. As a powerful witch it will conduct your will if you release to it.
That may be it. That was the issue last time I blogged too. I had fallen out of my spiritual self and had stopped trusting. I acted like I was the only thing that could control my destiny, my desires, and that nothing else would help me, even though the universe had showed me time and time again that wasn’t true.
Even just writing this now I can feel the static reforming into a bolt. I can feel the strength of that power reforming. Writing helps. Writing always helps. It always has helped. It’s a way for me to be honest with myself and the world because not only do I get to have a kinaesthetic response from the keys or the pen, but I also get to slow my mind down enough to reform that static into a bolt.
Normally I feel that sense come from my solar plexus, but the bolt today comes from my heart and beats, ready to blast.
Thank you for coming on this journey with me. It helps a lot to have you by my side.
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